In Sacred Scripture we read that we must not let the sun go down while still angry, that to do so gives the devil a foothold (Eph. 4:26-27). The book of James speaks in many places about the virtue of patience and gentleness and warns that anger leads to unrighteousness. The Proverbs are full of warnings about anger. In the sermon on the mount we are told that to approach Christ in the Holy Eucharist we must first be reconciled with our brother (Mt. 5:23-24).
This is more than mere moralizing, it is pointing to something about the human condition: anger, and especially its offspring, like resentment, destroys our relationship with God and others.
It is not mere coincidence that in the book Alcoholics Anonymous (affectionately known as the “Big Book”) when the moral inventory is introduced the first order of business is to reconcile with those for whom one harbors anger and resentment. In the chapter titled Bill’s Story, the founder of AA describes how integral this was to his own recovery.
Later, resentment is introduced as the chief enemy of sobriety, considered the “number one offender.” Resentments “had to be mastered.” Resentment, “is a deadly hazard to the alcoholic.” And perhaps more important for our reflection is the statement that, “with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave”.
12-Step recovery is dependent upon a type of restoration of a person’s relationship with God and others, and in doing this the healing and freeing of one’s own soul from the desire to drink. If sobriety is a foundation to contemplation of God (it is) then how much more is resentment an obstacle to contemplation of God.
The primary reason resentment is an obstacle to contemplation of God is because it is always a delusional fantasy and God is what is most real. Anything that obscures or is distortive of truth is an obstacle to contemplation.
To see how resentment is 1) a fantasy 2) toxic for the soul, we must analyze it.
First of all we must define it: resentment is the re-feeling or re-experiencing of a real, perceived, or imagined harm. It takes place not in the object of the resentment but in the subject, i.e. the person experiencing it. This is our first clue. It is inside us, not out there. It’s not actually in the person/situation we resent, though it feels like it is.
Try something: locate a resentment you are holding. Hint: think of someone (or some situation) who is in a position of influence in your life. Look at them through the resentment. If you truly resent them you may not be able to see them apart from your resentment towards them. Indeed your resentment may be the lens through which you perceive them.
Once you conjure up that demon notice what it does to you, to your soul, to your perception of this person, to your perception of God, and of reality. Notice how it darkens and distorts what is there, how it makes it ugly, how it takes away love, and tolerance, and mercy. Notice what happens to beauty.
Resentment is the fostering of a toxic fiction within us that 1) makes us sick and uncomfortable (dis-ease) 2) undermines our capacity to respond to the greatest commandment (love God and others). The ultimate aim of contemplation is union with God who is love, that our love and his love may be one, and that we may love others as Jesus did on the Cross – yes while they are still sinners.
So, if you have a resentment against someone, whether you think it is justified or not really doesn’t matter, it needs to be purified. That means it needs to be burnt off by the love of God. The only way to do that is to pray unceasingly for the person you are resenting until you begin to be freed and healed from the toxic anger that is harming you, and harming your relationship with them and God.
Imagine yourself while in prayer, giving the anger and resentment to God, over and over again, entrusting to him, over and over and over again. And then praying for God’s love, wisdom, and peace to reign down into the soul and being of the person you resent, continue to pray this way until your perception of them is purified by the infinite goodness of the reality of God.
If this doesn’t work immediately, or the resentment comes back, persevere in praying this way until you are delivered from it. You will be acting as an intercessor for this person that you once hated and you will also benefit by bringing God’s reality into your relationship with that person. It will transform how you see them.